Some Football Jokes
David Beckham walks into a sperm donor bank,
"I'd like to donate some sperm" he says to the receptionist.
"Certainly Sir" replies the receptionist, "have you donated before?".
"Yes" replies Beckham "you should have my details on your computer".
"Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist
"but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call Posh Spice for you?"
"Why do I need help?" asks Beckham.
The receptionist replies "Well David, it says on your record that you're a useless w*nker...."
Two Aberdeen supporting farmers are flying with their herd of sheep to a new farm.
Suddenly, the plane engine fails and it rapidly descends towards the ground.
Dons Fan 1: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!
Dons Fan 2: What about the sheep ???
Dons Fan 1: F*ck the sheep!!!Dons Fan 2: ...(pause)... Do you think we have time?
Q: How many Liverpool fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Yeah, as if they have electricity in Liverpool...
Q. What's the difference between the Toon keeper and a taxi driver?
A. A taxi driver will only let in four at a time.
Newcastle have moved quickly to halt rumours of a rift between Grame Souness and Alan Shearer.A club spokesman said, "It's ridiculous to suggest that there is a personality clash between the two - everybody at the club knows that Shearer hasn't got one.
"Why do Geordie Supporters have Moustaches?
A: So they can look like their Mothers.
Q: What do you get when you cross a Chelsea Fan with a pig?
A: I don't know, there are some things a pig just won't do.
Q: What do you call a Chelsea fan on the moon?
A: A Problem.
Q: What do you call 100 Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: An even bigger problem.
Q: What do you call all the Chelsea fans on the moon?
A: Problem solved
Q. Why do Chelsea fans whistle whilst sitting on the toilet?
A. So they know which end to wipe!
Q: What do Leeds keepers and Singer Michael Michael Jackson both have in common?
A: Both wear gloves for no apparent reason.
Q. What's the difference between a Leeds fan and a coconut?
A. One's thick and hairy, and the other's a tropical fruit.
Q: What has 70,000 arms and an IQ of 170
A: Elland road every other Saturday.
Q: Name three football clubs that contain swear words?
A: Arsenal, Scunthorpe and F*****g Man Utd.
Apparantly, Blackburn football club is under investigation by the Inland Revenue for tax evasion.- they've been claiming for Silver Polish for the past 30 years.
4 surgeons are taking a tea break:
1st surgeon says "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says "Nope, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon says "Well you should try electricians. Everything inside them is colour coded."
4th surgeon says "I prefer Tottenham fans. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and a**es are interchangeable."
Q: What would you get if Newcastle were relegated?
A: 45,000 more Chelsea fans
Q: What's the difference between a Northern Water lorry and Alan Shearer's school teacher?
A: One's a water tanker, the other's taught a w**ker.
An Aberdeen fan is trapped on a remote desert island with a sheep and a dog. Soon, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the Aberdeen fan.
However, whenever he approaches a sheep the dog growls in a threatening manner.The Aberdeen fan takes the dog to the opposite side of the island giving it some food as a distraction. He runs back to the sheep only to find the dog growling at him.
The Aberdeen fan ties the dog to a tree with a large leash. He goes back to the sheep only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash around its neck.By now, Aberdeen fan is getting depressed and frustrated.
As he sits under a palm tree staring out to sea, a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet suit emerges from the surf.She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon his lonely state, asks if there's ANYTHING she could do for him.
The Aberdeen fan thinks for a moment and then responds, "Could you take the dog for a walk?"